It’s been a tough couple of days – and I’m not the one with cancer. I think the hardest part of yesterday was holding mum up while she sobbed uncontrollably gasping for breath, and between breaths saying to me “Why can’t I just die”… followed by “Why did I have to get cancer.” It’s that second set of words that have been ringing in my ears and echoing in my mind since last night. This all came about thanks to another NHS blunder. Mum was due to have surgery yesterday, but for some reason nobody requested a bed for her from the Surgical Bed Manager. We spent the whole day waiting for the call and of course it never came. It was just more than she could cope with. It has been easier for me, because I have been almost remote to the daily challenges of coping with this disease, for both my mother and family – because I don’t live there any more. It’s the first time that it has fallen to me to hold mum while she cried. I just held her tight and stroked her hair. She told me the only pleasure she has left in life is seeing my dad, me and my brother – she has nothing else to live for. Later she apologised for being “such a baby”. It broke my heart.
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