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Fighting Back

Richard — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 08:46:39 +0000

Of course, when you’re backed into a corner (even if it is by your own state of mind) what else can you do but come out fighting?

One of those nights

Richard — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 20:22:55 +0000

It’s one of those nights when I want to sit up all night and play music into the small hours – throwing the windows wide and screaming in to the night. Some thunder and lightening to drown out my torment … Continue reading →

History

Richard — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 08:16:55 +0000

I’m sad with the way that I am

I’m turning away from the past, oohh

I’m lookin’ for a better place

I’m lonely but findin’ my way around

Around,around,

Around,around

So long,

Something’s stirring up in the air,

Because it keeps turning me around, oh yeah

So long,

Something’s stirrin’ up in the air,

Because it keeps turning me around,

It’s starting to push at my mind

Forget all the things that I took with me

I’m throwing away all my dreams

I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you Groove Armada.

Mum

Richard — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 19:29:16 +0000

It’s almost ten months now since mum died. It’s only now that I’m starting to miss her – which sounds absolutely awful, but what it really means is that it’s finally starting to sink in that she is actually gone.

Sometimes I forget. No. It would be more accurate to say that sometimes I remember. Suddenly in instantly in a moment of almost panic “mum’s dead!”

I don’t know what has brought about this shift of emotion or state of mind over the last two weeks, but in almost every waking and most sleeping thoughts she has been there. I suppose this is the next stage of grief or mourning… I’ve done anger and although I thought I was a way further down the road than I am with this, it seems like I’m finally getting past denial.

Moments of Happiness

Richard — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:50:53 +0000

I was laying on the rug in the lounge last night, tv on, lamp lit by my side, cat stalking around the room and for the first time in ages I felt genuinely happy. It came upon me quite unexpectedly, but the real shock was that until that point I wasn’t even aware that I wasn’t happy. But then, for a few minutes in a wave that grew and grew, expanding outwards in a kind of burning bursting pride (and I know pride is a sin) I felt that all was right with me and the madness was banished. For a while at least.

It happened again today. Happiness. Little moments of happiness. One can only guess what the ultimate cause of these spontaneous outbreaks of happiness is, but undoubtedly a sense of having some control over my life is playing a part.