As 2010 draws to a close and I look at all the things I have done – that I have experienced, contributed to or been a part of – well frankly I’m amazed at just what I have packed in!

It’s been a busy year and one that has taken many unexpected twists and turns, with the highlight most definitely being the surprise trip to America for my birthday in October.    Coming close behind was my experience on Dartmoor with the students from Birmingham – what a week that was – and then there was my London city break with Roy, the day trips, shows, dinners, evenings with friends, travel up and down the country for work, HRH Prince Philip at the RSA – so many good memories.

It’s also been a year of coming to terms with loss, and understanding and managing grief.   It’s over a year now since mum died – our second Christmas without her.  I still cry.   We all do.     Something about that whole experience opened a window in to my soul, and I cry so easily at so many things now.   I feel things so much more and certainly experiences of others – real or fictional – touch me deeply.   Perhaps that person was always there, waiting underneath, and a veneer of protection has been peeled away.

So am I older and wiser?   I think I can hold my hand up to both.  I have learned so much about myself in the last twelve months, and about others.   Relationships have deepened, bonds have strengthened, journeys have been shared.   I’ve enjoyed 2010 and I’m looking forward to the year ahead.

In a busy modern world, with chaotic lives, so many external pressures and distractions, it is easy to lose sight of the meaning of Christmas, and the hope that it brings.

There’s much talk of Christmas being a time for family and while I was sitting here alone this morning, with my family far away, reflecting that this will be the strangest Christmas ever, I felt that without people around me to make Christmas – for us to “make” it happen – then Christmas was nothing at all.

Of course, that isn’t true.   There are many people who will be alone this Christmas Day and that can be a truly sad, desperate and lonely time.   Christmas crystallises our thoughts into considerations of what life could be like, or should be like, and all that is wrong with our own lives, either by circumstance, design or lack or loss of faith.   My heart reaches out to those people today.  I know how they feel.

But while people can contribute to making a happy festive time, with warm cosy memories to take in to the future with us, people don’t make Christmas special.

What makes this a unique and wonderful occasion for celebrating is the Gift of God.

Whether you are a believer or not, whether you have faith, have lost it or never had it at all, today is about celebrating the power of love, the chance to make changes for the better, to seek forgiveness for the wrongs we have done and indeed for us to forgive ourselves.

This is the gift of God and Christmas is a day to celebrate it, either alone or with friends and loved ones.  And if you have faith, you are never alone, even in the darkest of hours.

Happy Christmas.

I made my third appearance on BBC Radio today.   Not bad going really – three appearances in less than two years.

Stupidly, I think I was probably most-nervous about this broadcast despite it really being the most-relaxed.   At least this time I was on home ground, with the recording taking place at one of the Foundation’s projects in Essex.  On previous occasions I’ve had to go in to the studio and take part in a live broadcast, and I’ve also done Down The Line.   DTL was probably the hardest, because it was very much a case of being interviewed without any forewarning of what was going to come my way.    On this occasion we did a walk through and then the recording was based on the prep we had already done.   So why was I so nervous?  Because it was important I guess, and the project is one that is very close to my heart.

I also felt a bit of a fraud to be honest, because although the project was my baby in the beginning, it’s Jonathan that has made it what it is over the last twelve months, in combination with the volunteers, and yet here am I taking centre stage on the radio to talk about the value of what we are doing, and why it’s important to run community based initiatives which make a social impact – contributing to the welfare of both “nature and our neighbours” – a nice phrase I managed to drop in to the broadcast.

The reporter who came out to the project felt that we’d produced a really nice item, and it was worthwhile putting it out on the air on Christmas Eve, when there was still some remaining snow on the ground (we recorded the item outdoors and were deep in fresh snow at the time) and that it was a nice story for today anyway.

So, hopefully it went out on air and the Foundation came across well.   We’ve become very much embedded in our local community, but now need to think about spreading ourselves further out into the south east.    That’s something for the New Year though.

After the festive feelings of yesterday, I’m really concerned that I might have peaked too soon.   Today feels as if Christmas has been and gone already, with Christmas Eve to get through, before the main event on Saturday.  I’m already thinking about the New Year.

I got up at around 7:30 a.m. and did something quite uncharacteristic for me – wrote a “To Do” list.  By the end of the afternoon I had managed to tick off over half my tasks, including walking in to town, going to the bank and picking up those last minutes bits and pieces that are essential to get through the festive season.  The main one was a new roasting tin to cook the turkey in, as my current (now old) one had gone rusty some how.  The shops were reasonably easy to manoeuvre and queuing was slight, in stark contrast to last Saturday.    Today my luck was in as the 99p shop had Cherry Liqueurs in – and lets face it, you can’t have Christmas without a cherry liqueur now can you?

I had to resort to the aforementioned liqueurs by 9:30 p.m. in a bid to get in the festive mood, and even with the tree lit and scented tea lights I really wasn’t feeling it.   How spooky that Mark in the Peep Show should echo echo my sentiments later with his cry of “I’m not feeling it.”

So, I’m not alone, although I am.   The cat is in a funny mood tonight too – sitting in strange places and climbing on to the dinner table, which is very definitely not allowed.   Perhaps she is picking up on my tension.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.   Happy Christmas.

The office closed down for Christmas yesterday, so I’ve had my first day of Christmas break here at home today.    Suddenly, after my musings of the weekend, I feel festive.    I’ve had a lovely day!

I slept in late despite frequent visits from the cat (who wanted me to get up and finally managed to pull me from my bed at 8:30 a.m.) and the day started with a giant mug of hot chocolate, sitting on the sofa in the lounge still in my dressing gown.   For the first time in an age I had pulled the curtains wide (usually I leave them shut during the day, as the heat comes on half an hour before I get home and it stops all that hard earned and paid for gas going straight up the cold windows) and today I was able to look out at the melting snow, and also the Christmas decorations on the window sill.

Drinking my hot chocolate I reviewed today’s entry in the Radio Times and worked out what I could plan my day around.   The main objective for today was to cook a thawing chicken (it’s in the oven now – hot chicken rolls for supper) and to run the car down to the petrol station and fill up the tank for the weekend.  So, that ;eft plenty of time today for hot baths, catching up with friends, tv viewing and eating mince pies and chocolates.  Yes, I’m feeling festive alright!

Today would have been an ideal Christmas Eve – it’s felt like a Christmas Eve – relaxed and happy.  Now I’m wondering what tomorrow will be like – especially as I finished off the mulled wine in the bath this afternoon.

Ho ho ho hum.

I had the best of intentions when I got up this morning.  I fed the cat.  I made tea.  I sorted the washing and put it on the rack to dry in front of the radiator.  I gave in to the cat’s rattling on her catflap and let her out to play in the snow.   I stripped the bed.   I read the Sunday’s.   I sorted the recycling and bagged it up to take to Morrisons, where I had grand plans of a full English breakfast once I had struggled on foot through the snow to get there.

I never got there.  I never left the house.   Instead I succumbed to a day in the house, wandering around in my dressing gown doing whatever took my fancy but that definitely didn’t involved going out in the snow.

It is thawing outside, but to be honest the incessant drip drip drip after a day inside the house is starting to get on my nerves just the tiniest bit.   I’m getting a little bit stir crazy, which, for a homebody is rather surprising.   I’ve always loved my home and never particularly needed the company of others to keep me entertained, but today, for some reason, I’m going a little bad mad.  I’ll actually be glad to go to work tomorrow.   This doesn’t bode well for the extended holidays.

I think I know what the problem is – or what the problems are.   Already there is mounting pressure and expectation about the Christmas experience.  The big day itself is just a week away now, and I’m having some kind of anxiety about not feeling even remotely festive.  I don’t feel anything per se, other than the pressure (self imposed) that I need to be having a lovely time.   After a day at home today, with the snow outside, the tree trimmed and lit, Christmas carols on the PC, even some Christmas special re-runs on tv, I don’t feel remotely “Christmassy” for want of a better word.  To be honest, tv today has been dire.  Absolutely dire.   The highlight of my viewing was “On the Buses” early – very early this morning – on ITV3.   It was cheesy, not even remotely politically correct and more than a tad predictable.  But it was honest.   And that’s something that’s really missing from tv these days – and maybe even life.  Honesty.    Everything is marketing, manufactured, insincere and on the face of it false.

Being home alone today, even with contact with friends and family through the telephone, I have been divorced from reality – the reality that actually there is honesty and decency out there – stimulation, entertainment and positivity.   I need a dose of that today.

Sitting here with After Eight mints and cheesy savouries and schmaltzy pseudo nostaliga on the tv (100 Greatest Toys I’m looking at you) has been cold comfort for me today.

I’ve been out in the snow.   I’ve pounced.  I’ve jumped.   I’ve shaken the snow off my paws and now I’m coming in.

Why is the kitchen door closed?   What is he doing on the other side.  I must see.  I must see now!

Hmm.   He’s opened it a crack.    What is he going on about now?  Stay there He’s coming in.   Huh.  Whose house is this anyway?  I don’t care if I’m wet – I’m coming out of this kitchen and nobody is going to stop me!

There.   Told you so.    You can run up the stairs after me with a towel all you like.   I’m wet and I’m running free.  Ha ha ha ha.

Purrrr

It’s snowed!   Again!    I just don’t get it.  Why would He think that I wouldn’t want to go outside today?   When am I more likely to want to go outside than when it’s snowed!   Open the cat flap already and let me at it!

I remember the first time that I reached the end of a decade, and of thinking at the time it was something quite exciting and special.  In fact, I have a very clear memory of this very event being reported on John’s Craven’s Newsround and the item including speculation on what the 80′s would be like.  Happy days.

Of course, that all seems a very long time ago now – and with nearly forty years under my belt, it is indeed a long time ago.   So as we prepare to say goodbye to the noughties, I wonder what the next decade has in store for us? For me?   The last ten years have seen my life transformed – a new relationship, new career, new job, new home, travel, financial stability, new friendships, being (more) comfortable in my own skin, discovering talents and abilities I never knew I had.

While I hope for more of the same from tomorrow onwards, I can’t help but feel a little apprehensive too.