Once, years ago, my friend Matt observed that I lived by a number of rules. He theorised that this was my way of asserting or regaining some form of control over my life. It was a fair observation, but in the time that has passed since he told me his beliefs, my life and situation have changed.
It is fair to say that I feel much more in control of my life than I ever did in the past. That said though, when mum was diagnosed with cancer back in 2008, I did experience a feeling of being very much out of control. I had achieved some sense of being able to direct my destiny, but when something like cancer comes crashing in, you realise how little you are able to actually influence the course of your life. Whatever you may strive to achieve, or whichever end point you may have in sight, there are always those outside factors that can derail even the best laid plans. I urgently needed some form of affirmation that you can actually influence what lays ahead for us. Clearly this was born out of fear, but looking at the wider picture, the bigger question is why do I – or any of us – need to feel in control?
In trying to understand mum’s illness – what had caused it, how it could be treated (and in the early days how I thought or hoped it could be cured) I read as much information on bowel cancer that I could find. Various research papers and studies suggested that diet played a big part in who does or does not suffer from bowel cancer. This is something that I bought in to, even though mum did not fit the profile at all. So, I overhauled my diet, eliminating (as much as possible) those food stuffs shown to promote bowel cancer and those that helped to prevent it. Out went dairy products, red meat and processed foods. In came an abundance of fruit, vegetables, more white meat and fish and I endeavoured to eat my five-a-day and exercise three times a week at a moderate or above level.
Since mum died in October I have been far less strict in adhering to these rules I had set for myself. I have been consistent in avoiding dairy as much as possible – I actually really like Soya milk now and prefer it on my Fruit and Fibre at breakfast times. I don’t drink tea and have just one cup of coffee a day (my treat/luxury) – or at least that was what I was doing. I don’t know why I became less strict with myself. I can’t really attribute it to mum dying, but I suppose it did play a part. I’m certainly aware that I went through a period of comfort eating and the evidence is plain to see – I gained half a stone in six weeks. You don’t do that on fruit and veg. Then Christmas came along and I have very much over indulged in all the foods I shouldn’t have been eating – too many pieces of cake, mince pies and generally what I would classify as “party food” instead of proper balanced meals. But I think anyone can be forgiven for that at this time of year.
So with a new year and a new decade just begun, it’s time to redraw the battle lines. I’m not a one for Resolutions per se, but I have made the following decisions today:
- I will eat a proper dinner each day sitting at the dining table. Said meal to include appropriate portions of vegetables.
- I will walk for half an hour each day at lunch time, to get me out of the office, get some fresh air in my lungs and increase my number of paces each day.
- I will exercise three times a week. I have a gym here at home so there is no reason not to use it.
- I will write in my diary (almost) every day.
That final one might seem a bit dubious when it comes to the health benefits, but I believe it will help with my state of mind and let’s face it, your state of mind greatly influences what you eat and whether you do any exercise.
It will be interesting to see how I do.