Getting back on track

Got a cough

Foul moodedness

Not the end but the beginning

As the Christmas holiday draws to a close, I’m thinking of what’s starting, rather than ending

It seems a little unreal that I’ll be returning to work tomorrow. I’m not dreading it, but that may be because I am in denial that it’s happening. I’m also in denial about Christmas having been and gone, because let’s face it – twas a crap one this year. That’s another story though.

What I am thinking about, in terms of starting, is of course new beginnings. Another chance to get it right. An opportunity to do things differently. Making plans for the year ahead. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Who I want to be

I don’t have any of those answers yet, but asking the questions is a start.

Not so sunny Sunday

It’s been a return to grey and wet here in Essex, but my mood remains relatively bright

Greetings from Thaxted! I hope you have enjoyed your weekend? I think enjoyed might be too strong a word to capture my feeling, but I have certainly been happier, and more occupied. I have also been feeling so much better physically and mentally. This is such a relief.

I didn’t sleep especially well last night, and have decided I went to bed too early. I’ll be staying up later this evening so I don’t have a repeat. Fingers crossed! I was awake around 4.00 a.m. for a good hour or more. I tried to read Counselling for Toads, but Clio was reluctant to let me immerse myself in the “pages”. (I’m reading a digital copy on my phone. I must find the physical book in my store). We eventually both settled down again, and I slept til 8.50 a.m. I think. I fed Clio, then made coffee and did kitchen chores. Helen went for a run with her friend, and I watched my YouTube episodes in my bedroom. There are a number of YouTubers I follow, and some post weekly update videos. Both Narrowboat Life Unlocked and A Life Full of Meaning had new videos out, so I enjoyed those, and then AZB had a Christmas video up too. That took me up to lunchtime. Quick shower, and then joined Helen for lunch and we watched the last semi-final of MasterChef: The Professionals. Still managing to avoid the spoilers on that front. I have a couple of favourites, either of whom I would be happy to win the series.

This afternoon was spent setting up the telly in the study – which was not as straight-forward as it should have been. I am missing an Amazon Fire stick remote control, so that was buggered. I’ve added the TV to the Alexa app, but still not managing to control it from there. I am loathe to spend another £30 on a replacement fire stick – but was given £30 for Christmas by friends, so could use that. Would that still mean I was doing #nospendjanuary though – or will I have failed at the first hurdle? I have resisted ordering one for now. Chromecast was similarly problematic – it was upgraded, installed, connected to my account – and nothing will cast to it from my Google apps. Frustrating. In the end I brought the blu-ray player down, which is smart unlike the TV, so am using that until I sort something else. It has enabled me to continue my journey with Superman and Lois this evening and also catch up with some other YouTube videos – mostly Campervan Tales.

I didn’t bother with dinner this evening. We’ve not got a lot in, and what we did have I didn’t want. Need to do a shop in the next day or two. Are shops open tomorrow? If so, I could get some iron supplements too.

I have another penpal! Two kind people have come forward and said they would like to correspond with me, so tonight I wrote and posted my second letter. That’s two sent out into the world now, although I think the first postal collection from the village will be on Tuesday morning. I also stuck to my goal of going out every day. As the rain had finally stopped tonight, I walked up the post office and sent off the second letter – well dropped in in the post box at any rate.

I contacted the Samaritans tonight, saying that I felt my MH crisis has passed now, and that I didn’t want to divert them from others who need their support, so will stop the conversation for now, in the full knowledge that they are there if needed. I really have valued the daily contact, and the teasing out of thoughts and reasoning, without being told what to do. If you are ever struggling, feeling worried or low (with our without feeling suicidal) do contact them.

I’ll wrap this up here. PAX!


Not a bad first day

It’s been an okay start to the new year

Welcome to Twenty Twenty-Two! As 1st of January goes, today hasn’t been a bad day at all. I went to bed after 1 a.m., following an emotional farewell to the old year at midnight. I woke once or twice during the night (Clio cuddles) but managed to sleep again until 7.30 a.m., actually getting up around 8.10 (ish). I put the kettle on, unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher, and then seized by an urge to be done with Christmas, took down the decorations and packed everything away for another year. I’ve decided that “grown up” Christmas doesn’t work for me. There was no joy in tasteful golds and whites and being “sophisticated”. This was brought home to me tonight, as I walked around the town in the darkness, passing by the accommodation for the elderly, which was plastered with images of Father Christmas being all red and jolly in the windows, and the outside Christmas trees decorated simply with coloured lights. This immediately tapped into my childhood, and brought a wave of nostalgia, and a feeling of family – which to my mind were missing this Christmas.

I did some other jobs and then cooked breakfast. I really haven’t eaten much this past week – being due to a lack of appetite, and in some part due to having a sore mouth. To actually want a cooked breakfast was a breakthrough. I’ve taken the conscious decision not to take Nexium, and haven’t done so since Thursday. I’ve been getting acid reflux today and have been uncomfortable, but on the up-side, I am feeling better in myself. I’ve got more energy, and have felt less anxious. I’ve also started on a mouth wash to help improve my gum health and having looked in the mirror this evening, that’s looking better too. These things are all reassuring to me.

I continue to be in touch with the Samaritans each day. This also helps.

This evening I wrote my first penpal letter of the new year, and walked down to the post office in town to post it. I could have put it in the box on the next street, but alongside No Spend January, I have committed to leaving the house every day – so I had a walk around town in the dark and lights to keep to my commitment. I enjoyed it – both the walking and being out of the house.

Tonight over dinner we caught up with two episodes of The Expanse on Amazon Prime Video, leaving us just two instalments of this season, and of the six series story as a whole. In a minute I will watch Doctor Who on catchup – assuming iPlayer isn’t stuttering again.

I’m feeling reasonably happy with how today has gone. It’s been an okay start to the new year. If the rest of the year continues even at this level, it will be better than the last.


I am such a fucking idiot!